Comedian Jason Blanchard

Hockey under a Caribbean sky...

2011-06-16T14:56:00.003-04:00

Last night I got to finally watch some hockey. Luckily for me it was Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. So just before game time I went up to Lido deck, found a seat beside some fellow Canadians and we watched as Boston Bruins bitch slapped the Vancouver Canucks. It was a great night! BIG THANKS to our Cruise Director Goose for putting the game on the big screen!

A great day in Honduras

2011-06-15T18:33:00.005-04:00

Normally in Isla Roatan I get off the ship, go to the smoothie shop and get frustrated at the slow WiFi signal.

Today there was a crew party at Fat Tuesday's on the beach. What a great day. I hung out with

The cruise director Goose, his lovely girlfriend Victoria...

Stand up comedian Frank Del Pizzo...

and entertainment host extraordinare Olivia.

We had a few drinks and ate...

the best fish I have ever tasted. I realize it looks nasty in the picture but when I tell you I have never tasted fish this good, I mean it from the bottom of my stomach. Next time I am there I will order it again.

I got to meet the owner of Fat Tuesdays Vincent. Such a down to earth nice guy. We talked about his bars and customers and some of the new stuff he has planned. Vince even gave me a free hat so I wouldn't get sunburn on my melon.

Ho hum

2011-06-12T12:30:00.005-04:00

Today I am in Miami.

I went to Walgreens to get some turkey jerky and Q-tips.

For lunch I had fish and chips with mushy peas.

Soon I will go back to the ship.

... and have a nap.

I need to be more adventurous....

2011-06-10T16:55:00.000-04:00

Grand Turks is uncomfortably hot today. The moment you step onto the gangway you can feel the heat & humidity... and the sweat start to drip down your back. All I wanted to do today in the port was to find a strong wireless signal, take some pictures, write a blog and get a cold smoothie.

Two out of 4 is not good. I took a few photos and got my cold slushy drink. There is supposed to be free wifi there but on this particular day I could not connect to it. As I sat there trying to write my blog in the corner of the smoothie shop surrounded by a long line of people, I felt like a roast in the oven basting in my own perspiration. Not a pretty site.

The Island of Grand Turks is a beautiful place. Next time I am here I am going to take the advice of one of the super cruisers (someone who cruises 7 times a year for the last 15 years) Linda and rent a golf cart and explore the island. It sounds like a relaxing way to spend the day here.

I miss hockey. The Stanley Cup is happening and I am missing it because none of the channels on the cruise ship carry the NHL. That being said I am enjoying the NBA finals... GO DALLAS GO.

Blackbeard's Castle Inn...

2011-06-08T13:17:00.005-04:00

It was a nice Inn. The people were fantastically friendly; especially John the bartender and Binky the Rum Factory tour guide. My room was okay. The king size bed was comfortable, the TV did not work, there wasn't hot water in the shower, the air conditioning worked TOO well and there was a HUGE cockroach in there; So big I named him Bobo.

Today I will be boarding the Carnival Valor. I have been on this ship before. My fingers are crossed that I do not get the corner fly-on room. The anchour is housed behind the wall where the bed is and when it is dropped the whole room shakes... I know how a James Bond Martini feels.

BWD... Blogging while drinking in St Thomas

2011-06-07T15:40:00.007-04:00

This is one of my easiest and enjoyable travel days yet. The Carnival Dream is at the port of St. Thomas. I am staying over night at the Blackbeard Castle Inn. Tomorrow I just take a taxi back to the port and hop on the Carnival Valor.

The Inn I am staying at is very nice and has a Rum Factory & Museum. It was a very interesting tour although at this particular moment I can't remember much. The end of the tour included a sampling of 7 different kinds of Rum including aged, spiced, banana, coconut, mango and another two I can't recall. They are pretty strong shots.

There is a drink here called a "Pain Killer"... orange & pineapple juice, nutmeg, honey and a tremendous amount of rum. The name fits, I am feeling no pain.

Skipping Nassau today...

2011-06-05T11:16:00.003-04:00

It is more of a time thing than a location thing. Since we are leaving the Port of Nassau Bahamas at 1:30pm (we arrived at 8:30am) I always feel like I am rushing to get back to the ship... AND my only goal when visiting this port is to hunker down with a coffee & a good WiFi signal. The good places to find that stuff don’t open until 11:00am Bahama time, which is 12:00pm ship which is cutting it a little to close for my liking.

Last night I finished watching season 1 of Burn Notice. I love this show. In the first few minutes of the pilot I was hooked. It is about a spy who get a burn notice and is dumped in Miami. He has no money as her bank accounts are frozen and he is on a mission to find out who and why he was burned. If you like action with just the right amount of comedy... this is a fantastic show.

Not much happening in Port Canaveral...

2011-06-04T12:13:00.005-04:00

When I am on the Carnival Dream, the home port is Port Canaveral. I always take the $7 (return) crew shuttle bus to the Merritt Mall. Then I go grab a seat in Ruby Tuesdays where the food is great, the service is EXCELLENT and the WiFi is free and fast. Today I had the dry rib special with grilled zuchinni. My server today, Ashley, is just about the nicest waitress ever. Soon as my coffee is low she is here with a smile.

The one cool thing they have here at this mall is...

They put you in a harness, hook you up and you get to jump around for 5 minutes. I know what you are thinking... No, I didn't do it. I am a bit more than 200 lbs so I an not allowed. :(

Tomorrow I will be in Nassau Bahamas. Who know what craziness I will see there tomorrow.

My spot in Costa Maya

2011-06-02T11:33:00.003-04:00

Sometime having a routine is a good thing. When I come to Costa Maya Mexico I have a ritual, a plan and "to do" list.

1) Get a massage on the beach. Today Cindy was the lady who covered me with oil and rubbed me down. This is a fantastic way to start your day. The clean ocean air, warm breeze and the relaxing sounds of hombres yelling at tourists things like, "Cuban cigars", "Buy a necklace for your wife" or "Want to me my seester?"

2) Have some lunch and free WiFI at 40 Canyones Beachside bar. Last time I was here I ordered tacos and they were rather bland. Today I ordered the burritos and there were great. I also met Pat and Nancy from Richmond Virginia. They were sitting at the table beside me and were extremely friendly. They have assured me they will be at my show tonight sitting in the front row because I promised not to pick on them.

Silence is more than golden

2011-05-31T07:16:00.002-04:00

I was not one of the first people to see The Hangover when it first came out. The hype behind it kind of made me doubt it was as good as everyone said. When I did see it, I laughed out loud many many times and thought it was a great movie.

So when The Hangover 2 was released I knew there was no way they could recapture the magic the first film had. Plus, Hollywood does such a great job with the trailers you wonder if those are all the truly funny parts AND they end up giving away too many surprises.

I laughed out loud again. While the general story line is similar there are a number of plot twists and some big laughs.

A couple came into the theatre 5 minutes before the lights went off. They talked non-stop until & during the commercials, chatted through the previews without taking a breath which is something I can live with; get it out of your system. I kept thinking that when the movie started they would quiet down and enjoy it. Nope... their conversation continued through the opening credits. Again I thought, NOW is when they will stop. NOPE.

I turned around, "Are you going to talk during the whole movie?" I said in a deep voice while smiling & looking them both in the eyes. She looked embarrassed but he did not.

"Take it easy buddy," he replied shooting me a dirty look.

This is where I put on my angry face as simply say; "SHUT UP NOW!"

It worked. Not a peep out of them for the rest of the flick!

A lot of "Ughing"

2011-05-28T13:07:00.004-04:00

We filmed our final two preliminary rounds of Stand Up & BITE Me last night at the Mississauga Yuk Yuks. It was a very long day.

Once I woke up, I went to get some new clothes. I decided on a new grey vest with a black dress shirt and a new off-white sports jacket with a purple shirt. According to my wife the latter outfit looked sharp but unfortunately was too bright for the set and cameras. Ugh... thankfully I brought some extras clothes.

Then we had 9 of the comics coming in during the day for an interview. We use that footage in a vignette that proceeds their comedy set. Most of the comics were early but the last scheduled comic was an hour late due to traffic... ugh.

For show time all I needed was to have the comedians arrive on time. Ugh... Due to traffic, 3 the 8 comics for the early show were very late. Once they were there the shows ran very smoothly. While the cameras are rolling my major concerns are hitting my lines and being funny... and no sweating too much. A special thanks to Jennifer (our make up artist) for keeping me from glistening on stage.

Producing this show is the major stress in my life right now. It amazes me that some comedians do not check their emails throughout the day. This is how most of us get work and to not be vigilant regarding staying in tough with bookers & clients and TV producers is just craziness... UGH!

Other peoples cars

2011-05-26T20:44:00.003-04:00

When you rent a car you never know exactly what you are going to get. Being that the price of

is so high, the logical side of my brain prefers an economy car. The other was happy when I was handed the keys to a black 2010 Chevrolet Impala.

There is something about a car that respond so well to the drivers whimsy. When you need it to pass a slower vehicle and that pedal on the right is pushed closer to the floor, you back digs into the seat and zoom zoom (wait that is Mazada) you are in the lead.

Tomorrow we are recording weeks 3 & 4 of Stand Up & BITE Me in Mississauga at the Yuk Yuks on Dixie Road. It will be a long day, but a fun one. I need to buy 2 new outfits for this which is something I hate doing. Am I an autumn or winter person?

2011-05-25T17:06:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was a good travel day home because I was not alone. There was another Canadian performing on the ship: Canada's Premier Female Singing Impressionist Karen Grainger. Not only does she put on a fantastic show, she is also a wonderful travel companion. Why? There are many reasons really: she is a fast walker, has interesting stories & got me into the Admirals Lounge in the John F. Kennedy Airport in New York.

It was heavenly. Huge comfortable chairs, showers & big screen TV's... and FREE coffee, tea, apples (wrapped in cellophane), snack mix and fresh raw vegetables. It is the only way to fly!

I weep for the young

2011-05-23T23:28:00.002-04:00

After one of my R rated shows a bunch of the entertainment staff invited me join them at the disco for a drink. The place was packed with mostly young adults 20-25. It was amazing the choices in outfits some of the women had made for formal night; whorish princess is the term that comes to mind.

One “lady” stuck out more than the other. We shall call her Cruise Snooky. She was wearing an extremely tight & short pink dress that had more holes than material. Do you remember making paper snowflakes in school when you were a kid? You fold the paper, cut it and unfold it and the holes would all match... this is what the dress looked like. Through the spaces you could clearly see black panties and a bra. All that was missing was a sign that revealed her hourly rate.

Cruise Snooky’s get up was one thing, her spastic and seizure like dancing made me think that she truly didn’t get enough hugs as a child. She would gyrate against her girlfriend who was wearing a dress that was at least 2 sizes too small, then grind with a pony tailed douche of a boyfriend who was wearing his best white tank top & cut off denim shorts on formal night.

It was mesmerizing and freakishly captivating. I could clearly hear the beat but they were dancing to something entirely different.

Nassau is never boring...

2011-05-22T18:10:00.000-04:00

The port of Nassau Bahamas was the first port I boarded a cruise ship at when I started working for Carnival. I was here when the oldest ship yard in the Caribbean caught fire. On New Years day I had to hop a barrier to get through a parade to get to the ship before it left and was almost arrested.

Today while walking down the main street people started screaming & running a jewelry store called John Bull. The neighboring stores started closing their security doors and people were trying to cram into them. One poor woman didn’t see how low the barrier was and smashed her face and fell to the ground. Before I could run to help her, arms came out of the shop and pulled her in. I took cover behind a column because wildly running is rarely the best option. It was then I saw two men in masks running from the business; one carrying a bag the other holding a shot gun.

And just as quick as it started, the commotion was over. So what to do now? I had lunch at a greek restaurant.

Selective Rapture would be nice...

2011-05-21T17:22:00.003-04:00

Today I found myself in Port Canaveral at the Ruby Tuesdays with comic/friend Will Marfori. Our sever Kate had a trainee shadowing her and was the pinnacle of perfection when greeting & serving us. Frankly, I can’t remember getting better service with a bigger smile.

Then these two mature women were seated at the booth next to us when we were paying our bills. Kate and Cassy were there the moment the hostess got them settled, took their orders with sincere smiles on their faces and immediately brought their drinks. Nothing was good enough for these bitter, old, cantankerous witches. When ever the waitresses were not at the table they bitched and moaned to each other about how slow they were. So as I walked past them on my way out and paused, “Patience is a virtue ladies?” They just stared at me confused and obviously not mentally capable of formulating an answer. I shook my head and left. With any luck, the rapture will only take people like this.

They have a huge bug problem in Port Canaveral. The little critters are called “love bugs” but no one could explain to me why? They are every where!

Invisibility is nice...

2011-05-20T13:39:00.002-04:00

For the first two days I have been on the Carnival Dream I have been invisible and it is nice. What do I mean invisible? Well I haven’t had any shows on the ship since I arrived. I blend in perfectly with the passengers... except I don’t appear lost and confused half the time (it is a HUGE ship)

Last night that changed when I performed 3 shows. Now when walking around the ship, getting a coffee, eating or working out guests come up to talk to me. This is NOT a bad thing, it doesn’t bother me at all. If someone wants a picture taken or talk about comedy that is great. Everyone so far on this ship has been fantastically supportive and letting me know they are coming back to see my second R rated show tonight at 11:00pm.

The one thing most comics dislike is when someone approaches saying, “I got a joke you can use.” 99 time out of a 100 they don’t. Now, if you have a funny story about something that happened to you then by all means share it. I love to laugh too.

That being said, a nice couple in their early 30’s from Orlando came up to me as I was walking down the Promenade deck to thank me; last night was the first time he had ever found her G-spot. It is one thing to make a person laugh... it is another thing to help make someone TRULY happy and out of breath.

Yesterday I made a new friend so I took a picture of him for you.

Hola mi amigos!

2011-05-19T11:57:00.007-04:00

I woke up feeling a lot better than I did yesterday. Looks like I'm nearing the end of this cold... good thing because tonight I have 3 x 30-minute shows.

This blog is coming to you from beautiful Costa Maya Mexico. When I left the ship this morning I came straight to the beach to get a massage. Below is a picture of Sandy, the woman who dug her elbow deep in my back and said I have the biggest calf muscles she has ever rubbed. She did such a great job at getting me relaxed the gum fell out of my mouth

The WiFi signal is pretty good today at 40 Canyones Beach Bar. Now I just have to decide what to have for lunch? A quesadilla or perhaps a taco? Chicken tacos it is!

The music in the bar suddenly changed from nice Spanish tunes to songs of the 80's. The man pictured below is hammered at 12:00pm. When I got here he had just fallen coming back from the washroom and had an ice pack on his shoulder. He then started loudly (and badly) singing along to Eye of the Tiger & Ghostbusters... Who you gonna call? Alcoholics Anonymous I think.

Sick in the sun

2011-05-18T20:22:00.000-04:00

Today I was in Isla Roatan. I should really think about booking some excursion adventures just to have some better stories to tell you. Today I battled a slow WiFi signal as I was sending out emails to the Toronto contestants who are doing Stand Up & BITE Me on Friday May 27th. If you want to come to see a LIVE taping of the show, just send me an email: jason@jasonblanchard.com

This is the first time I’ve been sick on the ship and let me tell you something; being on a cruise ship in the hot tropical sun is WAY BETTER than being sick in cold and rainy Milton Ontario. I sat out side for a bit in the sun with my Kobo eReader & cold ginger ale. Once I started to sweat I came inside to the air conditioning and got a chai tea. Rough day I know.

Tomorrow we will be sailing into Costa Maya... one of my favorite ports! Why? That’s easy - $20 for a 60 minute massage. Time to find the woman with the beefy arms and who doesn’t like men very much. I’ll try to get some pictures of her flexing.

Busy busy busy

2011-05-17T19:00:00.000-04:00

(I can't load any pictures.... argh!)

It has been a busy few weeks. Sorry about not updating the blog... my focus has been on Stand Up & BITE ME, a show I host & produce on BITE TV. There are 32 comedians competing for the $10,000 grand prize.

Last Thursday I flew to Vancouver with the BITE crew, Jason Agnew, Rick, Mike Fly and 600 lbs of camera & lighting equipment. to shoot the first two preliminary rounds at Lafflines Comedy Club.

The manager James and the owner Barry were absolutely fantastic to work with. On the first day of filming we got to the club at 9am so we could get set up: iron & hang a new back drop, set up lights & cameras. Then in the early afternoon the comedians who were performing that night started to arrive for their interviews. Lucky for us, it was a beautiful day so we filmed them outside. Do you know what you don’t bring to Vancouver that we really could have used? Sun screen. I was wrangling the comics: getting them into makeup, preparing them for the interview and taking them to the shoot location so I was fine. But the crew got pretty burnt.

The first night of shooting went very well. When I was warming up the crowd or filling time with material it was great. The TV hosting part was a bit rough so we had to do a number of retakes. That being said, apparently I looked sharp wearing my new vest.

Day two was much easier as there was no set up. There was a bit of stress as we ran behind schedule on the interviews because it started to rain. THEN one of my judges was a no show but thankfully I was able to find a replacement just before showtime.

All in all it was a success and I think the show will look amazing when it airs on BITE TV May 27th.

Right now I am on the Carnival Dream... sailing to Isla Roatan Honduras.

Heading back to the Caribbean...

2011-04-21T14:35:00.000-04:00

After two weeks on dry land it is time to head back to the ships. This will be a 19-day trip & I’ll be on three different Carnival ships; the Valor, Pride and Ecstasy.

The Pride was my very first cruise ship so it will be nice to go back. Most of the faces will have changed from that inaugural voyage but the Assistant Cruise Director Pete is an awesome guy who I worked with on the Destiny. PLUS, a friend who used to work at Absolute Comedy in Toronto Anna, now runs the comedy club on the ship.

My cab driver in Belize was this crazy local with the worst teeth I have ever seen. His front teeth were at a 45 degree angle. I TRIED to get a picture but non of them turned out.

Hanging out with a Legend...

2011-04-14T17:45:00.002-04:00

Mike MacDonald dropped by the club last night to do a practice set before going to the Halifax Comedy Festival this weekend. If you don’t know who he is, then you are not a true stand up comedy fan. Mike has done it all. Here is what it says on his Wikipedia page:

He has appeared on Late Night With David Letterman, The Arsenio Hall Show, Just For Laughs, Showtime's Comedy Club All-Star Show, A&E's An Evening at the Improv, and Comedy Central's The A List. His popularity continues to soar in both the US and Canada. He has hosted both the Gemini Awards and the Just For Laughs 10th Anniversary Special for the CBC. MacDonald also holds the distinction of being the only comedian to perform at each and every Just For Laughs gala show.

Mike is one of those rare performers that have stood the test of time. He is always writing new material and working on new stuff. The first time I saw him perform was at a club in Mississauga less than a week after New Orleans was hit by a hurricane. The host went up and did a joke about what happened in Louisiana, it died and she “shit the bed” for the rest of his set. Mike got up on stage and did the opposite. He rocked the room for an hour. It was amazing and inspiring to watch.

If you have get a chance to see him live... you should definitely do it!

Having fun in our Nation’s Capitol...

2011-04-13T17:23:00.004-04:00

My hosting week at Absolute Comedy was a blast... it always is. Such a fun and easy club to perform in. Thankfully only one Bachelorette Party the whole week and there was awesome. They didn’t interrupt the show once. I even go the bride to be to come up on stage and help me with my gag-reflex joke.

I found new dress pants. For some this would not be something to blog about but I was able to find pants that are wrinkle & stain resistant, light-weight material and they have a SUPER crease... and they look good in the crotchal region. If I could only find a new “stage” shirt. Finding the right one is not easy. There are many things to consider: how it looks, does it wrinkle easily, if I sweat does it show.... If you find one, I will offer a reward.

Along with the shows at the club I had a corporate gig on the Friday night. So once I finished the 8:00pm show, I walked up thestreet 600m to perform a clean set in front of about 100 teachers and their spouses. Not sure when this happened, but I am having FUN at corporates now. Normally they are hard work and a lot of comics get rather anxious doing them... Hell, I used to dread the thought of performing after a company luncheon or following a sales seminar. On this night I was opening for a friend, a comic I have know for years and during his introduction I forgot his last name. Ugh.... it is something that happens to every comic but damn did I feel horrible. My apologies to RICK CURRIE!

Sorry about the lull between blogs... that Xbox is my heroin.

In Ottawa...

2011-04-07T09:48:00.006-04:00

My travel day to Ottawa was great... I love a flight that is less than an hour. This is the first flight in a long time that I checked luggage so I was prepared to stand around and wait 20 or 30 minutes before seeing my bag on the conveyor belt. In the amount of time it took me to exit the plane, visit the washroom and walk to the baggage area (less than 10-minutes) my suitcase was there ready for me.

For this trip I packed my Xbox 360 Elite for my two week stay in the nations capitol. That is the reason I didn't write a blog yesterday. I'm such a child...

I created, host and produce a comedy contest on BITE TV and I am very excited that it is back for season 3... more info to come!

HOME.....

2011-04-05T10:49:00.008-04:00

.... but only for 14 hours.

My flight back to Canada from Miami was pretty good. Two out of three of the big "NOs". No one beside me and No delays. Technically there wasn't a crying baby, there was a SCREAMING baby. At one point I stood up to make sure they weren't torturing the child with bamboo under the finger nails. Again Westjet did a fantastic job of being the best airline I fly with. The flight attendants are ALWAYS in a good mood. Michelangelo was the guy doing the announcements and he had the passengers actually laughing out loud.

My night consisted of laundry and hanging out with my kids. After of few minutes of "talking" to them about some silly choices they have made lately we chatted about fun stuff, watched a movie and had a donair from Halifax Donair in Milton. Damn they are good.

Today I fly to Ottawa where I will be MCing this week and headlining next. Happy to be working with a couple of friends Brendan McKeigan and Matt Billon. Another trip with Westjet...

Old friends and new friends in Cozumel

2011-04-02T22:29:00.000-04:00

The first time I was on the Destiny I met a fellow Canadian who worked in the Art Gallery. Travis is hilarious. Even though he and his girlfriend Natasha have been to Cozumel many times they had never eaten at La Choza. It is my favourite restaurant in Mexico and now it is theirs too. The food is absolutely delicious and the service is amazing... AMAZING. Over the course of our meal we had 5 different servers. As soon as the drinks were done they were there with more, when the chips and La Choza sauce (which is scrumptious and spicy) were low, they brought anoth

er batch. Travis even brought the mariachi band over to our table to play some Santana. Such a good time.

On the way to find a cab we went past the Tequila Boutique; over 350 kinds of tequila. Some of the bottles are rather large.

After that I went by Three Amigos to hang out with some of the entertainment staff who were having a little get together. Since the ship wasn’t leaving until 10:00pm I had a lot of time to chat and make some new friends. Wow... can my new friends drink!

No Key West for me...

2011-04-01T15:06:00.000-04:00

When a ship I’m on is going to Key West, I never get excited. Mainly because there is never really enough time to do anything cool as the ship always has to leave early... around 2:00pm. But on this day I wasn’t allowed ashore at all. No I did not get in trouble, it is all about having an I95 landing permit. We get those the first time you land at the ships home port after you board and we don’t do that until... oh yeah, the day I leave the boat to go home. The ship I just left took my I95 when I left the boat, so I will make sure to hold on to it the next time I go from ship to ship. Not a big deal but it is odd that I can go into the US anytime I feel the urge when I am back home.

Just found out friends of mine paid over $100 each to go see Charlie Sheen LIVE. Are you kidding me? All you have to do is watch his online videos a few times to know that he has nothing new to say. The same diatribe over and over and over. You need a night out? I might be biased, but take that money and go to a local comedy club and have a great night laughing at someone who is being funny on purpose... not because they are over medicated (although that could be the case too however most comics hide that well).

Some travel days are NOT stressful...

2011-03-31T18:02:00.001-04:00

Today was one of those days. All it took for me to get to the ship today was a 30-minute shuttle ride. The great thing was the driver was on time, the vehicle was clean and had a working air conditioning system. Saul was a friendly guy too. He is originally from El Salvador and has been living in Miami for 11 years. He loves living in the US and LOVES being an American. He is finally visiting his birth place to see his family... his biggest worry is not the crime or dangerous areas it is getting diarrhea from drinking the water.

I like the Destiny. This is the ship I have been on most and it feels “homey” cause I know where everything is; PLUS it is comforting to see some familiar faces like Gary, Maria, Del and Travis. Tonight I am doing a 3-5 minute teaser set at the Welcome Aboard show. These are actually a lot of fun for me now.

Tomorrow the ship will be in Key West. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of time for me to do much as the boat leaves at 2:00pm. I’ll definitely go ashore, I just won’t be there long.

St. Maarten is abbsolutely beeautiful...

2011-03-30T20:30:00.004-04:00

It must be one of the most scenically gorgeous islands in the Caribbean. Unfortunately for me, it is one of those ports that all I really get to explore is the airport. Incase you are wondering, it is not too bad.

The taxi ride from seaport to airport is just over half an hour. I was in a van with 7 other people and at one point the driver was trying to get 2 more in. I understand the need to be efficient to make money, however over cramming a cab is not good for business. It is not like there were no other vehicles around... I could count 20 in line behind us. Luckily the couple thought it was unnecessary to play mini-van twister and went for another cab.

I had to get a picture of our driver. Look at her nails? There are many things I would do if I was rich. One of those things would be to pay someone to scratch my back until I fell asleep.

The flight was awesome because it had the FOUR BIG NOs: No kids, No delays and No one sitting beside me. Hell, I moved to the middle seat, spread out, opened my laptop and watched The Mechanic with Jason Stathom and Ben Foster. A solid acton flick with some nice twists and creative fight scenes.

St. Thomas & the BUSHWHACKER...

2011-03-29T17:22:00.005-04:00

This is the first time I get to hang out in St.Thomas. Every other time I have been here it was to leave the ship and go to the airport. You know I was not leaving until I found out what a BUSHWHACKER was.

It is a frozen drink that has Bailey’s Irish Cream in it, topped with whipped cream & a cherry. On a hot day, it is fan-freakin-tastic!

To Gondola ride up the mountain was beautiful. The section I was in had 6 other people which made it a bit crowded and hot, but I am not complaining. Once at the top I found the crew party. Carnival had two ships in this port today; The Dream and the Freedom. While I have yet to perform on the Freedom it was nice to see a few people I sailed with on other ships who were now there.

Tonight I have no shows so once I pack my stuff for my flight to Miami tomorrow I will go up to the piano bar and relax with a glass of red wine.

Dear Nassau...

2011-03-27T19:03:00.000-04:00

Normally I enjoy my time in Nassau Bahamas. There is a special place in my heart for this port as it was the first one I flew to when I boarded my first cruise ship back in September 2010. Today it pissed me off.

FIrst off I understand that with all that is going on in the world I have no right to complain about anything, especially the tropical locations that I am visiting. However this is my blog and I’ll whine if I want to.

I have no issue with paying for a service that I need. When I go to the Dunkin Donuts to use their WiFI I understand that I need to make a purchase to get the password. When I first started going there it was unlimited, then it went to 60-minutes (which makes sense to me), now it is 30-minutes. Fine, I’m not happy but it is their business. When I have to go up 4 times to keep getting different login/password information because the gave me one that was not active and the bitch behind the counter is giving me attitude well I am NOT happy. So I do what any good Canadian does... I take my business elsewhere and leave my garbage on the table instead of throwing it away;

Take that!

Then I went to 4 other locations so I could chat with my wife: Conch Fitters (closed until later in the day), McDonald’s (no signal anymore), The Tropicana (the bartender didn’t know the password which is unbelievable) and finally a little bar that advertised “WiFI Zone” but there was no signal at all.

This is not a tragedy, it is a slight inconvenience. Overall it was a good day as I got some sun, bought a few DVD’s and got some exercise wandering around this annoying port city.

A little time off the ship...

2011-03-26T15:59:00.002-04:00

If the weather is nice I will always make the effort to leave the ship. Even in Port Canaveral. Some people reading this will think I am crazy; “It is March, you’re in Florida”! This particular port of call is a pain in the ass. Once you get through customs, there is a standing room only bus ride that takes 35-minutes get to the mall. Lucky for me, today the wonderful ladies at the MSA were able to get me through the immigration agents before everyone else... I’ll be dropping off some cookies to them later today.

While at this little restaurant I was able to enjoy a sandwich, salad and the most delicious thing of all FREE WIFI. It always makes being away a little easier when I get to chat with friends who are back home in Canada like Shelley (Burlington), Kevin (Halifax), Matt (Toronto), Tea (Ottawa) and some screen time with my wife Lynette (Milton).

As I type this blog the Cruise Director Butch is welcoming the guests who just arrived on the Carnival Dream and letting them know that they must go to the mandatory safety demonstration. He is so smooth when delivering his message over the ship wide intercom... you just know he is smiling while doing it. Trouble is, right now there is a group of butt-heads trying to tell some of the staff that they don’t need a safety briefing because they took a cruise 5 years ago and they know how the life jackets work (in my head I heard a southern accent when I typed that). This cruise won’t be so bad, but let me tell you, the 4-day booze cruise staff deal with those kinds of morons every time they sail....

... I take that back. Butch just made a second announcement to let the people who are in the jacuzzi, on Lido deck eating and who are on their balconies that the ship can’t sail until EVERYONE reports to their muster stations; “WE CAN SEE YOU”, he said, “there are cameras all over the ship”!

Nothing to sea day...

2011-03-25T19:15:00.003-04:00

These are the days when it is difficult to write an interesting blog. The ship left Costa Maya yesterday and today we are sailing to Port Canaveral.

Today I got to hang out with the other comic onboard Mike Lukas; funny man onstage and great guy offstage (click on his name to check out his website). He and his wife lives in Cleveland with their 18-month old daughter who wakes up every morning at 5:30am. So he is a little happy to be on a cruise ship.

Tonight I have two shows: a family friendly at 8:30pm and an r rated set at 11:00pm. I’m a bit excited about the late show as I have a new thing I am trying on stage. Not totally new, I attempted it once before, but I think I have the bugs worked out. Anytime you bring audience members on stage you take a risk, but it should be fun... even if it doesn’t go exactly as planned.

Back (shoulders, legs, feet) in Costa Maya

2011-03-24T14:04:00.005-04:00

My neck has a kink. It has been there for years. So when I know I am going to Costa Maya I am a very happy man. For the low price of $20 you get a fantastic full body massage from a strong woman with beefy arms. I know I have mentioned this before and I will surely blog about it again.

For some reason I woke up this morning at 5:53am. Serves me right for sleeping 13 hours yesterday. So after breakfast I decided to get off the ship and walk around the beach and take some pictures. There were no tourists on the beach when I arrived; just the locals raking the beach and cleaning it up. I saw one guy sleeping in a hammock and had to guess that is where he lives. It always make me feel sad when I see someone who is homeless... at least he has never had to sleep out in the snow.

There are a few buildings going up along the main road in Costa Maya. Having worked in the construction industry a number of years ago I can tell you any Canadian Safety Inspector would shit a brick. No hard hat or steel toed work boots to be found on the site; just base ball caps, sandals and crocks.

The first tourists I saw on the beach were red necks. They are easy to spot, they are either wearing jeans or have a huge belt buckle on the belt that is holding up their denim shorts. The son was complaining to his Mom, “I can’t drink when it is this windy”. That is a serious defect.

On my way back to the ship I saw a couple of soldiers walking through the crowd of people, one of them carrying a M-16A1 assault rifle. I was pleased to see that he did have his safety on.

No snow in Isla Roatan... EVER

2011-03-23T15:26:00.002-04:00

According to a picture posted on Facebook by a friend of mine, it is snowing in southern Ontario today. Today I find myself in Isla Roatan again. While it is not my favorite port, it is beautiful and has NEVER seen snow. This blog is being written under a sun umbrella next to a place that sells smoothies. No Wifi, but a cool ocean breeze that cuts through the heat. The picture is MY view right now.

Yesterday was a long day. I fought like hell to stay awake until at least 9pm. It was around 10pm before I drifted off and woke up at 11:00am. Yes, 13 hours of satisfying snooze time. Most people reading that will find it amazing that anyone can sleep so long. When I am at home I could never do that and I now know why. The cabin on the ship is pitch black. At home, my bedroom is not. When the sun hits your body, it starts metabolizing sugar which in turn wakes you up. Either way... I feel rested and ready for what is left of the day.

No show tonight for me so I plan on going to see Bob the magician in the main theatre this evening. I met him when I was on the Dream last time and he is a hell of a nice guy. Also on my schedule is reworking my set lists for the shows this week. After working at a comedy club on land, I was able to play around more and had some fun with a few bits which I think will work well on the high seas. Someone asked me if it was tough coming back to perform on land. NO, it was so much easier and less stressful. Plus working at Absolute Comedy is my home club and it is always nice to be home.

Shorts... Where for art thou?

2011-03-22T20:07:00.000-04:00

Travel days are LONG days. This morning I was up at 3:00am, in the cab at 3:45am, leaving Toronto at 6:15am, landing at 9:10am and departing Miami 1:05pm, touching down in Belize at 1:20pm (yes there is a time change) and getting on board the Dream at 4:30pm. Thirteen and a half hours in transit.

While going through security I had a horrifying realization. I forgot to pack my shorts. FRACK (for those Battlestar Galactica fans)! It really isn’t that horrifying, just a pain in the ass. If I don’t find shorts in Belize, which I probably won’t I will have to wait until after we set sail to take a look in the gift shop on the ship which means I’ll be that guy who is always wearing jeans on the cruise... Thankfully I don’t have the mullet he usually has.

Both flights were A+: No one sitting beside me, no crying kids, no delays & no one farting. It is the little things that make me smile.

Tomorrow I will be walking the beaches of Isla Roatan in Honduras in search of the crew beach with free wifi...

Saturday night is alright for drinking...

2011-03-20T12:47:00.005-04:00

... as long as you can handle your liquor.

On Saturday I was at Absolute Comedy in Toronto for two shows. It was so nice to see some old and not so old friends who came by to see me at the club. As a comedian, many people tell you that they are coming to a show. It never upsets me when they don’t show; life gets in the way, it happens. So when someone does actually make it, it is a very nice feeling.

One of my good friends who hasn’t seen me perform in years came to the late show. She is very funny and usually a fun person to be around: unless she is hammered. Holy crap... it was like being in high school again. By the time we left the club, walking was more like stumbling and talking was more like yelling for her. It got worse in the car. I understand that if a person consumes a copious amount of beer they have a tendency to belch. But when she starts to fart up a storm in the backseat I am forced to drive with the windows down when it is -10 degrees Celsius. THEN she decided to scream out the window at the man in the car beside us. Something about him not understanding what it is like being a woman. As soon as I rolled up the window, she starting passing wind again. Just when I was at the end of my rope a miracle happened. She passed out. I have never been so happy to hear someone snore.

Happy Anniversary & St.Patricks Day!

2011-03-17T21:28:00.004-04:00

It is March 17th... That means it is a day for some people to drink their faces off and two people (that I know of) to celebrate their wedding anniversary. Three years ago today I tied the knot with my wife Lynette. While we have been married a short time, we have been together for over 13 years and we still act like a couple of teenagers.

What is our secret? The 17-second kiss; Trust me on this. I don’t know why or how it works, but it does. Everyday that you can, you need to “make out” with your significant other for no less than seventeen seconds. This is something that my wife and I do everyday that we are together. I travel and am away from home a lot but the first thing I do when I get home is lay a big smooch on her.

You don't have to hang upside down, but if you put a lot into that kiss, you and yours will get a lot out of it. Happy canoodling!

There are days...

2011-03-16T16:28:00.005-04:00

... when there is nothing really to write about.

Today I met up with a friend to catch up on life and have a coffee (I had a chai latte). She is pregnant and starting to show. Which means strange women want to rub her belly. In case anyone is wondering: she hates that.

I remember the days of being a pregnancy husband and I was a good one. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to help out. I clipped toe nails then put nail polish in them. I shaved legs and “other” areas. Most importantly, I lied when it was necessary; When she was 8 and a half months along,“yes, they baby does weight 56lbs”.

When they were little, I would stare into their little faces hoping they would find happiness in life and have a future doing something they truly loved. Now I just hope the turn off the lights before they leave the house and they fill the Brita water container instead of putting it away empty.

Here is something I didn’t know about Milton... There are hookers here

Steak...

2011-03-14T15:26:00.004-04:00

I love a great steak. There are very few places that make a great steak. It boggles my mind when my wife orders a steak from places like Kelsey’s or some pub; they never do it justice...

The KEG is my little piece of steak heaven. Never have they ever served me anything but a perfect steak. Sunday afternoon my wife and strolled through those meaty pearly gates and enjoyed a superb steak brought to us by an angel named Curtis. (Yes, I typed the word steak 7 times... 8 including that one)

my MC gig at Absolute Comedy I paid a visit to the open mic comedy show at the Fox & Fiddle at John & Adelaide in Toronto. This is the room I produced for 5 years. Andrew Evans is the guy running things there now and it is great to see it is still going strong. There were some crazy nights at that place; Once a man had passed out beside a toilet in the men’s washroom and when I walked in there was a guy urinating inches away from his head, “I made sure not to pee on him” he said surprised that he didn’t lock the door.

Saturday was a day of rest...

2011-03-13T13:03:00.001-04:00

Not much to report for yesterday. I sat in front of the TV, hooked up my xBox and played ARMY OF TWO: 40TH DAY. If you are not a person who plays video games then you might not understand how relaxing it can be to battle and slaughter teenagers from around Canada, the US and other far away countries. You see this game has an online option that allows you to play against real people from all over the planet. When it comes to this game, I am good. At one point I was ranked 25th in the world (they rank the top 1000 players). I don’t drink a lot, do drugs, gamble or smoke; this is my vice... don’t judge me.

Where are the happy people?

2011-03-11T23:36:00.008-05:00

I understand the need for a public transit system in a large city; moving the masses around the metropolis. Why does everyone have to look so damn miserable? On a cruise ship most people walk around with a smile on their face and a bit of a spring in their step (even those with walkers have a happy strut). I understand the people on the buses, streetcars and subways are NOT on a ship but would it kill you to crack a smile or even make a little eye contact?

Personally I do not enjoy the subway but it was the easiest way to meet my wife for breakfast. We ate at a lovely place called Fran’s Restaurant: the food and service were well above average! Our server was from Ireland; I love that accent.

Later I met up with an old friend from high school for what I thought was lunch but turned into her drinking beer and me trying to nurse one slowly. Apparently being on a detox/cleanse makes me a pussy. Heather is one of the funniest people I know who is not a comedian.

The Friday show at Absolute Comedy was sold out. Normally with that many people in the room there is one ass clown who heckles or talks loudly to his friends, but not on this night. Just a great group who were out to have a fun night away from home. It was nice to finally find the happy people.

After the show I got to hang out with my wife, Jeff, Rene and one of my very good comedy friends Kathleen McGee. I first met her when I started touring Western Canada. She is a tall voluptuous woman who loves it when I pick her up. Kathleen giggles and screams, “I feel so little, I feel so little”!

Kathleen is one of the hosts of the "Anything Goes" Podcast. If you are a fan of comedy, comedians and podcasts check it out on iTunes.

Having fun at home...

2011-03-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

This week I’m at home and hosting at Absolute Comedy in Toronto. This is one of my favorite clubs to perform at. Especially now that I am away so much it is so great to see some old and new friends.

The headliner this week is Evan Carter; a very funny man who has toured all over North America.

the middle spot on the show is Jeff Schouela (his first name is actually Jefferson, but he seems to hate it when I call him that). I’ve known Jeff for many years and was happy to see him on the shows this week. We stayed at the comedy condo in Ottawa last year and had a crazy time.

The Pro AM show on Wednesday night was a lot of fun. While those nights are a lot of work for the host as you are going up on stage in between all 8 comedians on the show, they are one of my favorites to watch. Seeing comics develop and evolve can be extremely rewarding. Years ago I produced an open mic comedy night in Toronto. There I got to witness many people trying stand up comedy for the first time. Now to see them starting to find their voice and look like they are actually having fun up there is a good feeling.

Home is where I am right now...

2011-03-08T23:19:00.004-05:00

There is nothing like a good nights sleep in your own bed. My wife bought us micro-fleece sheets last year and they are so comfortable. When I crawled into bed I actually purred.

Today was a good day. My wife Lynette and I hung out together. We cuddled on the couch and got caught up on one of our favourite TV shows; Supernatural. If you haven’t seen the show I highly recommend it. If you live near me I will loan you season 1, if not you should go out and get it.

Later in the day we walked to the Milton Mall to buy socks for my son. He is a teenager and therefore goes through socks like most people go through napkins. While out we decided to have a bite to eat at a Mediterranean restaurant called Montfort. WOW do these guys make a yummy humus and a scrumptious steak pita.

I have said this before and I say it again: If you are a man over 40 and have a pony tail you need to change your hairstyle. It doesn’t look good or make you look cool. I fight the urge to grab it and swing you around by it.

I’m going home today...

2011-03-07T13:30:00.003-05:00

That means there is a big smile on my face. Today I say goodbye to the Carnival Inspiration and hello to Canada.

This last cruise was a lot of fun. The Spirt class ship is not my favorite; It is the smallest of Carnivals fleet. However the entertainment staff was awesome to work with, I could get a wireless signal in my room, there was a double be in my cabin and the water pressure in the shower was superbly powerful. Funny how the little things make all the difference.

TC Tahoe was the comic/magician I was working with this week. Funny man and extremely nice guy to hang out with. His stories are fantastic. Did you see the moved BATMAN when Jack Niclolson played the Joker? There was a scene were the Joker was rolling a coin on his knuckles: TC was the guy they brought in to teach Jack how to do it! How cool is that?

Hola Cozumel...

2011-03-05T12:43:00.002-05:00

If the nights are booze croozes, the morning are full of hungover hombres. You could see the pain in the eyes of some of the passengers. Yet some of them are still going strong. Bound and determined to stay inebriated for the entire trip.

The club was pretty full for my R rated show last night. Normally when a group of drunk guys stroll into the room and one of them walks on stage and tries to use the microphone, you know they are going to be trouble. They were hooting and hollering during the hosts introduction. I stand there at the side of the stage going over all the heckle responses I have ever wrote. I’m ready, walk out on stage and... NOTHING! Well not nothing, they laugh at the jokes and ended up being great group.

This morning it was such a chore to get through the people on the pier. Everyone was walking slow or side by side by side. I was getting a bit angry and then I realized; I’m in Mexico, the sun is shining, it’s a beautiful day and I’m not in a hurry.

I took this picture wondering how many crew members went to see the doctor before they had to put up this sign?

That is why they call it a booze cruise...

2011-03-03T20:58:00.001-05:00

Today was my smoothest travel day yet. Instead of waking up extra early to catch a flight or two all I did was take a 5 minute shuttle bus ride from the hotel to the Carnival Inspiration.

This is only a 4 day cruise or a booze crooze. There tends to be a younger crowd who are looking to party. When I went up to Lido deck for dinner I met two extremely intoxicated young women who were searching the ship for a lost clutch. They were amazed that I knew what that is: a small purse without straps (my wife has a purse/tote/bag/clutch/pouch-to-put-stuff-in problem). I was amazed they were able to walk up the stairs without falling. Next I saw a woman passed out on a table near the pool. Her friends were loudly “wooing” and she didn’t move a muscle. Just before I got to the buffet there were a bunch of guys piling into the washroom to watch Jim “yak his guts out”!

I have a feeling I might have to deal with a few hecklers during my R rated show tonight.

A beautiful day in Tampa...

2011-03-02T16:42:00.009-05:00

Let me start with this.

TRAVEL TIP: When checking into a hotel room always make sure the alarm clock isn’t set to go off at an unGodly hour. Better yet, unplug is and use your cell phone.

I’m sure you can guess from the travel tip how my morning went. It might have started off a bit rough but the rest of the day has been pleasantly relaxing. I am staying at the Courtyard Marriott in downtown Tampa and I love it. There are three reasons:

They have onsite coin laundry so I can start the next cruise with clean clothes
King size bed which is exceptionally comfortable... need I say more
Jacuzzi tub in the room

I took a walk around the downtown area this afternoon. Took some pictures and found a place to eat some lunch. Jimmy John’s is a sandwich place that not only makes a fine roast beef sub but they deliver. Not in cars. They have bike deliver guys who zip around to the nearby businesses and apartment buildings bringing lunch at top speed. Today is my cheat day for food so I was able to enjoy an old favourite... Cherry Coke.

This blog is brought to you by this pool. It didn't pay for it, I was sitting beside it when I typed this.

Travel days are rarely fun...

2011-03-01T22:27:00.000-05:00

Today the ship docked in St. Thomas. I was invited by Mark Simmons (the other comic) and Edge (Comedic Juggler) to take a gondola up the mountain and have a few Bushwhackers. Since I like mountains and had no idea what a Bushwhacker was I said yes.

The price of a ticket for the tourists is $21, the price for crew is $5. As a Fly On Entertainer when i leave the ship I turn in my crew ID to the administration office and get my passport back. Edge has been working the cruise ships for 10 years and has always got the discount by showing his name tag. On this day the woman behind the plexiglass decided that wasn’t good enough and started to give Edge some attitude. A rather loud argument ensued & I get the feeling she won’t be working there tomorrow. Not that it helped, we didn’t get to the mountain top and I still don’t know what a Bushwhacker is.

If you want to know where the best pizza on the Island of St. Thomas is, it can be found at Pizza Amore. Right across the street from where the Carnival Cruise ships park. So good.

My flight from St. Thomas to San Juan Puerto Rico was on time. The flight from Puerto Rico to Tampa was delayed by 3 hours, then one we got on board we had mechanical issues and sat in the plane for another hour. Waiting in that 757 all I could think about was... What the hell is a Bushwhacker?

You are not the only one on the bus...

2011-02-28T17:01:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how so people seem to think the world revolves around them. When the ship was docked I took a bus from the pier to the mall. While on the way back to the ship this woman was having a conversation on her cell phone with her parents in full voice. Frankly, it is just rude to talk that loud anywhere in public but she was freely chatting about the amount of her last pay cheque, what she had saved and even her online password (October22, her birthday) for her bank so her Mom could pay some bills for her. When I turned around in my seat to try to put a face to this annoying voice, she looked at me like “what are YOU looking at?” Well I am looking at a young woman whose IQ is only slightly higher than her date of birth.

Last night I missed the Oscars... I am okay with that. Since they went to nominating 10 movies for Best Picture only to increase box office revenue I have had no interest. You see when a movie is nominated in that category they average an additional $40 million in ticket sales. Makes you wonder...

Tonight is my last night of shows on the Dream. Tomorrow I fly from St.Thomas, to San Juan Puerto Rico, then to Tampa were I will spend 2 nights in a hotel, then join the Carnival Inspiration.

New places in Nassau...

2011-02-27T14:25:00.001-05:00

I have officially stopped trying to keep track of how many times I have been to different ports, except Belize (7) as you have to write it down on the customs form. Today I am back in Nassau (?) but going to some different places.

First we (Mark Simmons comedian, Vega the break dancer & I) went to a Pirate Video Store. While Nassau is the Pirate Capital of the Caribbean, there was no Captain Hook or Black Beard, instead they have bootlegged DVD’s; 5 for $20 and you can test them on a TV to check out the quality. I’m just saying that was the price & what happens there, I would never participate in such an illegal operation.

Next we went to a restaurant called Conch Fritters. Was it for their great food, cheap drinks or fantastic service; No. It for the same reason the cruise ship staff or crew go anywhere; FREE Wifi. The food was really good (I had the meatloaf), not sure if the drinks were cheap as I am not ingesting any alcohol whilst on the detox and the service is like it is most places in the warm sunny Caribbean... very slow.

Another thing I really love about The Dream. They have a dedicated “crew” gangway when we get to a port. That means no waiting for the passengers to leave first or huge lines to get back on board. It is a little thing but it makes me so very happy.

First time in Cape Canaveral...

2011-02-26T15:48:00.000-05:00

Today we made port in Cape Canaveral. When ever we come to the US and you have just got on board a ship you must be seen by immigration so you can have your passport stamped and be given an I-95 Landing Permit. There are also a group of people who are finished their contracts and have to go through customs as well. Sometime I get lucky and there are very few people who must do this but other times, like today, there was 80+ individuals.

Next I took the shuttle to the mall, found a restaurant with Wifi and chatted on Facebook with my wife while having lunch. Turns out it was a meal AND a show. The cook and waitress had a loud argument regarding her not being able to ring in an order properly and him just being an ass. They seemed to not be aware any customers could hear them. This went on for a full 5 minutes until the owner showed up separated them. From where I was sitting I think the cook was probably in the right but handled it in the wrong way. Either way, it was like watching a soap opera with believable characters.

I realize that I will get very little sympathy but I have caught a cold down where it is warm. Thankfully I don’t have a show tonight so I can overload on vitamin C, drink lots of fluids and take it easy... well, take it easier.

What a great set up...

2011-02-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

You might notice that I never post anything about “how” a show went. Frankly I find it annoying when (usually newer) comics put up status updates and blogs like “I killed tonight”! The most I will say is how much fun I had on stage.

So far I have had a fantastically fun time working the Punchliner Comedy Club on the Dream. The room is set up wonderfully and hold 488 seats and 100 more standing. Here they have a full time dedicated comedy club manager who not only warms the crowd up, but seats people, polices the room and even helps the staff clear tables. That fact that Jeff Shaw is a hell of a nice guy is a huge bonus.

The only negative, and it is a small one, was that it was uncomfortably hot on stage. Here is how you know you are working with professionals. When Mark Simmons (the other comic, very funny man) and I mentioned this the Club Tech changed the lighting for the show the next night. Thank you Darryl... and I am sure the people in the front row thank you too.

First time in Costa Maya

2011-02-24T11:46:00.003-05:00

Well hello from Mexico!

It is a beautiful sunny day here in Costa Maya. Here are some pictures....

Well... one picture. The Wifi here is soooooo slow. I've been trying to load this picture for the last 15-minutes. Once I get back to the ship I will try to load one or two more

Such a perfect day. The last thing I want to do is write a blog. The bar I am at is GIVING away free tequila shots... yes, tOn the beach here you can get an hour massage for $20! How can you say no to a rub down ON THE BEACH.

Isla Roatan, ain’t happenan...

2011-02-23T17:55:00.001-05:00

Today we were supposed to dock in the beautiful Isla Roatan in Honduras. I have been to this port before; it is warm and beautiful, albeit a bit boring. This morning I was awoken by an announcement from the Captain that due to high winds and turbulent waves we would not be able to safely make it to the pier. (If you want to see some pictures, click this HERE)

So what to do, what to do. Well I went to the gym; it is rather impressive on this ship. Being that the Dream is basically NEW. All the cardio machines have a screen to watch TV or plug in your iPod or see your progress on a track, mountain or in the jungle. So I warmed up on the track and did my 30-minutes in the jungle... it was cool. What was also nice is that since this cruise has an older crowd, there were not many people working out today.

While wandering around the ship I saw they had Laser Tag set up in the theatre. Yes, Laser Tag! There was an inflatable arena located on the stage and tons of kids waiting to get in on the action. No I did not participate, but I REALLY wanted to.

Season 3 of Stand Up & BITE Me is coming up fast. Stay tuned for more details. This contest will be bigger and better than season 2! I can’t wait to make the official announcement.

Life could be a Dream...

2011-02-22T19:13:00.000-05:00

3:00am - alarm went off.

3:45am - the taxi shows up and actually gets out of his vehicle and rings the door bell.

4:15am - pull into terminal 3 at the Toronto Airport

5:00am - sitting at gate B17 wishing I could have a coffee

6:15am - Flying to Miami

9:40am - land in the sunshine state.

10:00am - eat a horrible over-priced breakfast sandwich

1:05pm - plane takes off for Belize.

3:20pm - arrive in Belize City. My least favorite airport.

3:40pm - on the tender

4:30pm - In my cabin ready for a nap.

While many people around the world have trouble grasping the idea of “standing in line”. We in North America know how they work. If there is a line of people, you go to the end and wait your turn. So when a tall man with a shockingly bad comb over and a Canadian passport cuts the line in front of my I feel the need to re-educate him.

“All the people behind me are in line”

“Pardon moi?

“Oh... you’re from Quebec. That explains it. End of the line mon ami”

The smile on the American Airlines boarding agent said it all.

The captain on my second flight sounds like an impression of Bill Clinton. Every time he makes an announcement I giggle...

When I am at home...

2011-02-21T23:14:00.005-05:00

... It is hard to write a blog.

On Friday night I took my wife out to dinner at Casey’s restaurant. She had the steak (it was good) I had the salmon (it was excellent). We each had a glass of red wine from Francis Ford Coppola's winery. The meal was excellent, the company was superb (yes, Lynette reads my blog).

After that we meandered over to the Galaxy Cinemas and watched I AM NUMBER FOUR. It was very enjoyable; Great action scenes, spectacular special effects along with engaging and compelling characters. I am going to do some research online to find the novels and get them for my Kobo eReader.

Well I am packed... again. Heading to Belize... again. What is exciting about this trip is that I am performing on Carnivals newest and largest ship the DREAM. So I will be bringing my good camera and snapping pictures.

While on board I will make sure to post a blog everyday.

Travel days are not my favorite...

2011-02-16T18:39:00.003-05:00

We arrived in St. Thomas this morning. My meeting with the immigration was at 9:45am. Here it is a little different for two reasons: The agents come on board the ship instead of us going to them and they always go through my luggage. Even going for an early work out and putting my sweaty shorts & shirt on top didn’t stop them.

Today I had to do the taxi shuffle. I am not a big fan when this happens as the first time I had to do it I lost my smart phone. The first cab I got in didn’t have air conditioning but told me he could take me to the airport. The streets were very busy with cars and people and then all of a sudden the taxi driver jumps out, runs to the cab across from us, runs back and says, “Hurry, grab your stuff”. Now I am running across an intersection beside cabbie number 1 towards taxi #2 carrying my bag and making sure

I still have my phone. Thankfully this car had A/C.

Watched the movie Skyline: it is a pointless special effects movie that doesn’t really go anywhere. If I had paid for it, i would ask for my money back.

A little change, a big smile...

2011-02-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

It is funny how sometimes the smallest little thing can put a smile on our faces.

When I was on the Carnival Liberty I started a detox. Basically it helps clean out your liver so your body will digest food more productively. I have continued to eat healthy on the ship but have now cut out coffee and alcohol. On top of that I changed my work out so now I am doing circuit training; Instead of individual muscle groups on certain days I work the major muscle groups to full muscle fatigue ever other day. Still doing 30-minutes of cardio after strength training however on those off days I am doing 45-60 minutes of cardio or resting.

So why I am happy? I am using a new hole in my belt!

No pictures today as we are at sea and the internet is WAY too slow and expensive.

Somebody call 911! Shawty fire burning in da Bahamas...

2011-02-14T10:58:00.007-05:00

This morning we arrived in Nassau Bahamas. I like to start my morning by wandering up to Lido Deck and having some breakfast. Then I take a stroll on the open decks while I formulate a plan for the day. It looked like Nassau was on fire...

Apparently this is the oldest ship yard in the Bahamas...

Interesting fact... there is no drinking age here. It is all dependent on your height

If you have ANY questions about living on cruise ships or any of the ports I have been to, just email me at jason@jasonblanchard.com... Thanks for reading these!

Home made ketchup?

2011-02-13T13:14:00.003-05:00

Today the ship I am on, The Glory, is in port disembarking the passengers from the last cruise and loading up with a fresh group of cruisers. I was on time for our meeting with the immigration agents at 5:45am. but the TSA was not. We waiting around until 7:30am until we were able to get our passports stamped. I had a quick breakfast with the other comic on board and then waited for the ship to be cleared through customs so we could get off the boat.

The place I like to go while in Miami to relax and grab a bite to eat is Elwoods Gastro Pub (www.elwoodsmiami.com). The owners Lewis & Lorry Woods (hence Elwoods, very clever) are amazingly friendly. The wifi is free, which is what got me here in the first place, but the food is fantastic. Today I was astonished to learn that the ketchup is home made. Who makes home made ketchup? Well, Lorry does; It is sensational. When I asked about it she sat at my table and gave me the recipe. So the next time I get invited to a pot luck dinner I will be the one bringing the ketchup!

Just a side note... they have the cutest little aluminum bottles of Diet Coke here... Don’t you want to pinch it’s cheeks if it had cheeks?

If the is ship is a rock’in...

2011-02-12T15:51:00.002-05:00

... don’t bother knocking. Why? Because I am sleeping. For some reason when the seas are turbulent and people who are perfectly sober look drunk walking down the halls, I sleep like a baby. I can’t explain it but I love when the ship is sailing through choppy waters. Now it doesn’t happen often that we can really feel it, but today it is awesome. By the time I got to sleep last night it was around 2am. I woke up at 12:53pm. Almost 11 hours of “rock a bye baby” slumber.

A lot of people do NOT like the rocking and that was evident when I went for lunch. Passengers clutching the walls and dropping plates from their trays. It are these times that the true morons come out... I heard a woman complaining that the staff wasn’t doing anything to fix it. Yeah lady, they have the power to control the seas.

Sea days are not my favorite, but since I quite literally slept through most of it, I am pretty sure I can fill the time. The rest of my day will consist of a visit to the MSA office to pick up the money from my taxi receipts, a trip to the gym, a late lunch, some reading, some writing and perhaps catch the Legends Show. That is where a group of passengers, who auditioned to be Elvis, Michael Jackson or Madonna (you know, musical Legends) earlier on in the week, will perform tonight for everyone to see.

My detox seems to be going well. I do miss my coffee. I did have one de-caffeinated java but only because it was bought for me by the Cruise Director and it would have been rude to say no..... oh coffee, how I miss you.

TRAVEL TIP FOR ROUGH SEAS: Make sure to sit down to put on your shorts or pants when the seas are tempestuous or you shall end up sprawled out on the floor. ALSO, be mindful of the toilet seat as that could drop down without warning.

The long and winding tender...

2011-02-11T13:43:00.005-05:00

There is a lot I really like about the cruise ships and only a couple of things I do not enjoy. One of those things are waiting in lines... but really, is there any one out there who takes pleasure standing around doing nothing? Now I understand that there is a reason for them and you will never hear me complain about them because I realize that the staff and crew work their butts off to get passengers off the ship as soon as humanly possible. Once cruisers are gone, a lot of the staff can relax.

Grand Cayman is nice. Today it is 27 degrees Celsius, the sun is shining and there is a soothing breeze coming off the ocean. When I am here I usually come to the Starbucks to get online for free and enjoy a cold drink. Today I am enjoying a delicious banana/blue berry smoothie. During my walk to the coffee shop I passed a pirate, many jewelry stores and of course bars like Senor Frogs. I am looking forward to bringing my wife here one day.

TRAVEL TIP: Go on a vacation... you need it!

A wHOLE lot of Glory...

2011-02-10T20:13:00.001-05:00

My flight from Miami to Belize was fairly uneventful aside from the middle age couple across the aisle from me. They are obviously very much in love and were making out and I am pretty sure doing other stuff most of the trip. I thought they were newlyweds, but neither was wearing a wedding ring. If they did just get married we know that they would have them on.

This is my first time on the Carnival Glory. It is a conquest class ship which means it is the second largest in their fleet and I have been on these before so thankfully I know my way around.

Today we are in Isla Roatan Honduras. Unfortunately I am stuck on board. To get off the ship a staff member must put their ID card into the security machine. The MSA (Manager of Ship Administration) office where I get that ID was closed this morning for safety drills. Am I upset? No. Safety truly does come first with the crew and staff on the Carnival ships. That is A-O-K by me.

Tonight I have two shows at Punchliner’s Comedy Club at 8:30 & 10:45pm. The other comic, Jim Brick, was the first comedian I worked with on board the Pride when I first started with Carnival. I’ll go and watch Jim’s first show so I can get a feel for the crowd and that way I have a better idea of what they will be like for my family friendly show.

TRAVEL TIP: For the love of all things holy, be prepared when you go through security at an airport. Take off your belts, watches, jewelry, wallets, cell phones, smart phones and empty your freaking pockets people! YES, they want you to take your laptops out, so have it ready to go when you are in line. THEN, once you are through, take your stuff to the benches so you can repack and put your shoes back on. Don’t do it at the fracking conveyer belt. These are simple things that keep the line moving. Thank you for your cooperation.

One Night in Miami...

2011-02-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

While at the airport in St. Thomas I got to hang out with a few of the comics from the other cruise lines. Listening to the stories these guys have was great. Ed opened for Andrew Dice Clay for 100 shows and toured all over the US. When Dice was at his most famous apparently he would tip servers $500 if the service was good, but would pay his opener $100 a show.

Today on American Airlines flight 625 I met one of the best flight attendants ever. She must be in her mid 50’s, with short grey hair and the most wonderful attitude I have ever seen on a plane. This was one of those flights were everyone brought 2 carry on bags so all the overhead storage was filled and people were still getting on the plane. This is where I weep for society in general. It is a simple solution, if everyone puts their purse/knapsack/ laptop bag under the seat in front of them, there will be room for everyones stuff. While people were bitching and moaning in comes Debra with a smile and is able to deal with situation AND have everyone laughing.

Embarrassing moment on the plane... I was listening to my iPod so I couldn’t heard any announcements they were making. So when I see a flight attendant with a bag walking down the aisle I assume it is for garbage. NOPE! I almost put my empty water bottle into a Unicef bag. Now I HAVE to put money in... so I whipped out an American $5 bill and placed it in.

TRAVEL TIP: If you are going to look at your vacation pictures on your iPad or laptop on the flight, you might want to think about moving the naked pictures of your wife/girlfriend to a different file. That being said; a BIG thank you to Jim and Tara for inspiring this travel tip.

Another travel day...

2011-02-08T11:09:00.003-05:00

This time I am hanging out in beautiful St. Thomas at the Barefoot Buddha enjoying a delicious smoothie with mango, banana & coconut. Oh sure, it is not much to look at in the picture, but let me tell you, it is heavenly.

Last Sunday was SUPER BOWL XLV and it is the first time I have ever done a show while the game was going on. The 7:30pm family friendly show started off with 57 people sitting in the audience and swelled as the show went on. They were a really fun group considering that they don’t like football. The midnight show that night was extremely fun. The people who had drank too much had passed out by then so the people who were there were amazing.

Today I fly to Miami where I spend the night at the Holiday Inn. Tomorrow I fly to Belize to join the Carnival Glory

The detox is going well. Not drinking alcohol is easy, but not drinking coffee is KILLING ME!

So you think YOU work hard...

2011-02-05T17:52:00.001-05:00

It amazes me how in the span of 8-hours the staff and crew can get 3000+ guests plus their luggage off the ship, clean up after them and then bring 3000+ new passengers plus their bags on board. Think about that task. In my experience, and I am low balling this, 10% of people are ignorant asses and 10% are just plain dumb. Not only are they dealing with thousands people, but intermixed into that are roughly 1200 idiots/jerks.

Any time, during the safety demonstration, the Cruise Director has to make 3 announcements to ask people to “please be quiet”, you know we have a group of numbskulls on board.

We sailed out of Miami today, heading to the Bahamas. It really is a beautiful view.

Tonight I am performing a 3-minute set during the welcome aboard show. It used to be the set I worried most about, now it is just a fun showcase set in front of 1400 people who are just happy to be on vacation.

The detox has begun...

2011-02-04T15:57:00.000-05:00

While on the cruise ship I have a lot of free time. I decided to take advantage of it by bettering myself.

First is working out regularly. Each ship has a fantastic gym on board, filled with cardio, strength training equipment and free weights. The only down side seems to be that many of the passengers have no idea how to wipe down and clean a machine.

Next is eating right. Which is easier on the ship than at home. They always have a huge variety of fruit and vegetables, plus at least 4 meat options. So for 90 days I will be consume the good stuff and avoiding coffee (this will be tough), soda (I will miss it a little), junk food, alcohol & smoking (I have never smoked so this one will be no problem). Oh yeah, like any of these programs I will be drinking lots of water... Call me Sir Pee-a-lot for the next 3 months.

Also, I want to learn Spanish. The crew training office offers the Rosetta Stone courses on board: Hola, adios, hombre... I am just getting started.

Jamaica is where I woke up this morning...

2011-02-03T11:19:00.004-05:00

I am a comedy fan. It doesn’t matter what kind of show it is I will go and check it out. Last night on the Liberty there was a comedy juggler named Edge so I went to see his 7:00pm show. I’ve seen many jugglers in the past; this guy is great. He used a “Yo”, which is like a “yo-yo” but not attached to the string; Then add to that two portable bungie nets and you have a trick I have never seen before, it was very cool. His audience interaction was great... the crowd absolutely loved him.

Right now I am

sitting at the Blue Mountain Coffee shop in Ocho Rios Jamaica. This is not one of my favorite ports mainly because the ve

nders that sell sea shells, t-shirts and other souvenirs are extremely aggressive. Even now I can heard them yelling at passengers as they walk to the beach. It is beautiful here and the coffee is AMAZING. If you are a lover of Tim Horten’s coffee, you won’t like this stuff.

This is the only port I have been to where I have seen a sign like this one:

Tonight I have 2 shows: 8:30pm family friendly show and an R rated show at 11:00pm. Should be a fun time as the crowds on this ship are always great.

Some travel days are little bit stressful...

2011-02-02T17:09:00.002-05:00

Today southern Ontario was under a “Winter Storm Watch” (insert scary music here). My flight was scheduled to depart from Toronto at 10:40am, so to make absolutely sure I would be there on time I reserved my taxi for 6:20am. Even though the cab was late I still ending up at the airport, through security and at my gate 3 hours early. I was constantly checking my flights status and happy when we boarded the plane at 10:20am and told we would be leaving on time. Then we got to the line up for de-icing and that is when it all went to hell. It took an hour before we were in the air. This is going to be close.

So what does that mean? Well, if the plane now lands at 3:45 pm and the ship leaves at 4:30pm then I have to haul ass! Before we land I will move to the front of the plane and as soon as those doors open I will be moving fast: down the stairs, to customs, into a cab, to the port security, on the tender and then, if all goes well, make it onboard the Liberty....

The plane landed at 3:40pm. I was one of the first ones off the aircraft and the very first one to reach customs. Was I the first one to get through? No. I happen to get the “new trainee”. He was the closest one, how could I have known. It is not like McDonald’s where their name tag says “Sorry, I’m new”. Out of the airport I race and into the first taxi. It’s 3:47pm. He drops me off at the port at 3:58pm; the wrong port. Crappity crap crap! Like the wind I run (sure a slow wind), knapsack on my back, carry-on in my hand to the port which is only a block away. Into the immigration office I bound like a bull goring a matador. “You must be Jason”, I hear from the officer sitting and drinking his tea. Out the window I can see the Liberty with the sun glistening of her hull. I can also see hands waving frantically at the last tender that is about to leave the port. It must have been quite a sight; a large Canadian wearing jeans and blue collared shirt carrying his bag and running at a full spirit down the pier in the hot Grand Cayman sun.

“You made it”, the security guard says, “You’re pretty fast for a... big guy!”

Surprise for my wife!

2011-01-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

On days I travel home my flights are booked late in the day just incase there are any delays with the ship getting into port or at immigration. My flight for today was booked to leave Miami at 4:00 pm, a 50-minute layover in New York, then arriving in Toronto at 9:49pm. The crew who were signing on or signing off were supposed to be in the beautiful main theatre (see the first picture) of the ship at 9:00am to then meet with immigration agents. On the last night of shows the Assistant Cruise Director informed me there was a change and we now had to be at the theatre at 6:00 am, he was shocked when I said “awesome”.

When back in my cabin after the show, I searched the Delta Airlines website and found all the early flights out of Miami. There were two: 8:00am and 12:15 pm. This is awesome, it means I can possibly get home early to surprise my wife! The plan: Get on that 8:00am flight.

I arrived at the theatre early, some people did not. It is amazing that a few idiots who can’t set an alarm can really screw up a plan. Instead of getting off the ship on time, it was 6:50 am. Crap! I made sure I was at the front of the line for crew/staff who were signing off the ship. By 7:15 am I was in a cab on my way to the Miami Airport... it was going to be close.

Once at the Miami International Airport I got my ticket and then went through security where a very nice TSA agent asked me to follow her so she could check my laptop bag; Crap! Once that was done I amazingly made it to the gate by 7:55 am. Yeah! Then the Delta agent told me that I couldn’t change my ticket there I should have done it at the Delta desk; CRAP! I explained that there was a long line and my quickest option was the self-service kiosk and that the agents at American Airlines can do it at the gate and I was told that Delta was a better airline (yes, I actually said that). Juan looked at me, smiled and said okay YAY!! Within minutes I am onboard jetting home, knowing that I will land in Toronto at 3:07pm.... an hour bef

ore I was supposed to leave.

Lynette was shocked when I walked in the door. She jumped up and limped over with a huge smile on her face. It is amazing to me that after 13 years, she is still happy to see me when I come home.

Crazy People in Nassau Bahamas

2011-01-28T13:11:00.004-05:00

When the ship docks, a lot of staff like to go where the Wifi is free. In Nassau Bahamas that is in the Dunk’in Donuts. Today however I was surrounded by crazy people. On my right was a guy who was talking to himself quite loudly (I checked, he didn’t have a cell phone). On my left was a large woman with a lot of facial hair who kept making clicking noises and asking everyone for spare change. I thought about giving her some just to get a picture, then I thought better of it.

I got to see the entire Bahamian Navy today... Yep, that is all of them.

Lots of pirate stuff in Nassau.... That is all for now. Tonight I have my last two shows on this ship before I head home.

Half Moon Cay... My favorite beach!

2011-01-27T23:22:00.008-05:00

As you can see by the pictures Half Moon Cay Bahamas is beautiful. Every time I have been on a cruise that com

es here I alway take the tender (it is that small boat that is temporarily attached to the ship) ashore and have a swim. I walk along the back of the beach until I hear someone yell “Hey there is the comedian”, then I go over to say HI, chat a bit then ask if I can leave my knapsack there while I go in the water.

On this day I saw a group who I met the previous night. The guys all grew up together in Rochester NY and once a year they go on vacation together with their wives/girlfriends. Let me tell you, they are hilarious! While lounging in the beach chairs at talking about the mysteries of life one of them wondered why that group of men would choose to stand in wait deep water and drink beer. Easy, so they can pee without having to leave the conversation. Look at them... you know they are urinating.

The night before last they had a “Red Neck” party in the disco. Forty people brought costumes so they could dress up in stereotypical fashion, the other 60 just wore what they regularly wear...

That evening I decided to go and watch FUN FORCE, the guys who break dance on the ship. Age & Wish (not their real names) are very likable guys who can do some amazing stuff; head spins, back flips and even teaching passengers to Hip-Hop (shown above). Tonight at my R rated show they will be opening for me and we are planning something special for this evening.

Back visiting my old friend... Grand Turk

2011-01-26T10:12:00.008-05:00

It is not the most exciting port, however I enjoy it as I can relax and catch up with what is happening at home because Jack Shacks has free Wifi.

Today is bright sunny and hot. While walking along the beach I heard a couple loudly arguing;

Man with hairy back: “I ain’t you-sin no pink snorkel, woman”! (said in a thick southern accent).

Woman with hairy back: “All they gots is pink”. (same think southern accent, just a bit deeper than the mans)

Man with hairy back: "Then I ain’t snorkellin”... and he walks off.

People watching is so much fun on a ship.

Heckler at a PG show...

2011-01-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today is a sea day so my day consists of writing, working out and a nap.

It is also the first night of comedy shows on the Destiny and I am performing on 3 out of the 5 shows. The 7:30pm show is the family friendly set and was a lot of fun... even with a drunk veterinarian heckling me. As there are kids in the crowd my “filter” was on and it caused me to slow down, repeat what he said so everyone could hear it and then try to come up with something clean (even if he wasn’t) in response. I was able to get some good laughs while “nicely” making him look like a moron, however while walking back to my cabin I was able to come up with a new strategy for dealing with that during the PG show.

Travel day to Miami

2011-01-24T07:19:00.004-05:00

Travel days suck! What more can I say about them: early morning cab ride to the airport, customs, security, airport food and then the plane ride to the final destination. Today I am happy as I have a direct flight as opposed to having to make a connection. AND I am leaving -27 degree temperatures and going where it will be somewhere in the high 20’s.

Today I board the DESTINY. I have performed on this ship before and I am looking forward to seeing some friends. The Assistant Cruise Director & comedy club host Pete is a great guy. Last time we had a little too much fun...

This time I will be visiting Grand Turks, Half Moon Cay and Nassau Bahamas. If you have any questions about this ports, just send me a message at

jason@jasonblanchard.com

At home...

2011-01-23T13:27:00.000-05:00

It is always nice to come home. This time I was actually needed. My lovely wife injured her achilles tendon while dancing and I got to do sometime for the woman I married that I thought wouldn’t happen for another 20+ years... I bought her a cane. With one purchase I have given her the ability to move around with less pain and also provide her with a weapon that can cause ME pain. She is a horrible patient who doesn’t want to follow doctors orders which are simply stay off your feet and rest. So if you are Facebook friends with her and you see her online, please remind her to take it easy... Thanks

While at home for 4 days I was able to host the Alt.Dot on Location Comedy Show at the Rose Theatre. It was a fun show with some great comics and “mostly” a really good crowd. One thing bothered me: Who comes to a live show to talk to their friends? Wendy and her annoying friend, that is who. I can’t decide whether she was just so stupid she didn’t know any better or if she was such an arrogant bitch that she didn’t care. When I host, I am fairly good a shutting up group of chatters, however on this night nothing worked.

Finally, it arrived! I should not get excited about such things however when my “Ready Set Go Express” arrived I did my happy dance. It is awesome... The first day I made cheese omelets and chocolate croissants. SInce then I have used it to make burritos, ham & cheese wrap, and a chocolate banana turnover. Thank you red headed crazy lady who is in the infomercials!

A night off while on the ship?

2011-01-19T15:24:00.006-05:00

It doesn’t happen often when working on the ship that you have a night off. After 7 days of watching what I eat and hitting the gym I decided I deserved a cold beer, just one. The problem is, where to enjoy it? There are many fantastic options on board: Crew bar, sports bar, lobby lounge, casino, the Lido deck? I decided that the Piano bar was the place to go. I had heard great things about Brad (the piano man) so I grabbed a Bud Light and founda seat ...

Brad is a true show man. Everyone was having a great time singing along... His “Beer” song was hilarious.

A few people who had seen my shows joined me at my table. After some fun stories about cruising Jason from South Carolina bought me some shooters I had never heard of.

The first is the IRISH PANCAKE: half Jamison’s whiskey, half butterscotch schnapps then follow it with some orange juice. It REALLY tastes like pancakes.

The second (and final shooter thankfully) was called CHOCOLATE CAKE: First you bite down on a sugared lemon, then the shooter which is equal parts vodka & Frangelico.

If you decide to give these shooters a try, let me know what you think!

Has it been that long?

2011-01-17T11:39:00.003-05:00

Today I am sitting in Three Amigos in Cozumel Mexico. The Wifi is FREE, the drinks are cold, the food is “authentic” Mexican cuisine and the service is good. This is my view from my table:

(The pictures won't load... trust me, they are nice)

Right now I am relaxing, enjoying the warm ocean breeze and reminiscing. On this day 10 years ago I walked onto the stage at a comedy club for my first set. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t horrible, but it was enough to get me hooked. From that day I knew this was something I NEEDED to do.

Over the last 10 years I have traveled across Canada performing in comedy clubs, bars, pubs, hotel banquet halls, theatres, casinos, military bases, a ski resort, an outdoor Canada Day celebration, a couple of trailer parks, on more than one occasion in a back-yard, in a hockey arena in July with no air conditioning in front of 1000 men at a fish-fry fundraiser where I shared the stage with strippers (sorry, exotic dancers). It has been a fun ride.

While being a comedian is a solitary endeavor, one of the great perks is making friends. I have had the pleasure to work with and hang out with some of the funniest people you would ever meet and in some strange & interesting places. I thought about listing them all but that would take way too much time and I would hate to miss anyone. To all of those comedians out there, I say thank you!

It is January 17th, I am wearing shorts, having a beer while I look at the cruise ship that brought me here and I am performing on... None of this would be possible without the support of my family, my Mom, my kids and especially my wife Lynette. She was my girlfriend long before performing standup was even an idea. She keeps me grounded in truth, makes me laugh when I have a bad day and makes me feel like I whatever happens onstage or off, that everything is going to be okay... Thank you so very much Lynette!

Football fans like to vacation on Cruise Ships

2011-01-16T10:56:00.000-05:00

It is Sunday in January which means that NFL playoff football is what dominates the huge 22’ by 40’ outdoor Jumbotron (very large television screen) on the Lido deck.

As you see from the pictures (LEFT is the screen, and RIGHT is take directly under the screen), there is nothing better for true fans than the warm sun, cold drinks and and watching a football game where the snow is falling. This is actually a little more tame than what I have seen before. The second cruise I was on, The Triumph, sailed out of New Orleans. When the Saints played on THAT Sunday it was crazy... Everyone was dressed in Black & Gold, dozens of people decorated their cabin doors with pictures and logs. So far on this ship, I have only seen one door adorned with images of their favorite team.

Today is my 5th day onboard this cruise ship which means laundry day. When I pack for a trip like this I only bring enough clothes for 4 days, stage clothes and working out. Sometimes I have to walk to the opposite end of the ship to do laundry, this time I am about 50’ away from a laundry room.

The FOOD on board is very good. The Deli is one of my favorite stops as it is open from 11:00am - 11:00pm so I can avoid eating at the regular busy times. Today I had one of my favorites: Smoked salmon on a bagel with light cream cheese and onions.

Last night I was the first evening for the passengers who boarded in Miami. The two comedians who are on board each do a 3-5 minutes teaser set at the Welcome Aboard show which is in the BIG 3-story, 1400 seat theatre called the Venetian Palace. When I first started

performing on the ships this was the show that made me nervous, but now it is fun. It is always a huge crowd so you hit’em quick, hit’em hard and get off stage.

Tonight have 3x 30-minute shows in the Punchliners Comedy Club located in the Victoria Lounge deck 5 aft.

Let me know if these blogs are too long and I can start to shorten them. Any feed back is appreciated.

“Update your blog Jackass!”

2011-01-14T20:09:00.004-05:00

Thank you Brian Hope.

You are right, I need to start working on this blog again. There must be hundreds of people who are upset that they just stopped... well, maybe 2: Brian and my Mother.

The reason the blogs stopped was because I switched from writing them to doing video blogs. Then my video editing software was corrupted and out of frustration I scrapped it. As fate would have it, Brian’s encouraging email message comes a few days after replacing my old tired laptop with a new one that has a very cool (and slightly complicated) video editing software. So “From the Throne” shall continue once I figure it out... until then, I’ll just write a few word.

For the last few months I have been fortunate enough to be traveling the Caribbean while performing on Carnival Cruise Lines. So far I have been telling jokes on the PRIDE, TRIUMPH, LIBERTY, LEGEND, VALOR, MIRACLE & IMAGINATION. Right now I am back on the LIBERTY.

Yesterday I spend the afternoon at Jack Shacks in Grand Turk enjoying the sun, a cool beverage and free Wifi. It is tiny beach side bar located 10-minutes down from the port. The staff goes to this place because of the cheap beer and there are not a lot of passengers that go there so it is rather relaxing.

This evening I have two shows: a family friendly show at 8:30pm and an R rated show at 11:00pm... The crowds on the Liberty have been so much fun!

From the Throne... Video Blog 4... Cranbrook BC

2010-05-04T18:46:00.002-04:00

From the Throne with Jason Blanchard VB3

2010-04-25T19:45:00.002-04:00

This time from Medicine Hat Alberta...

Video Blog 2... From Montreal

2010-04-10T19:56:00.000-04:00

From The Throne with Jason Blanchard... VB1

2010-04-06T10:13:00.003-04:00